It Only Hurts
by dimkaluv
Summary: Everything comes back to me when my eyes are open. All of the pain and all the guilt come rushing back at me like a storm. Spoilers. Pre and post Shadow Kiss.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Okay, so here's a new oneshot fic for you guys. Beware, there's a **LEMON**. Albeit, it's not a very descriptive lemon, since I didn't feel like being very descriptive, but still. It's sex. Only mature readers please. :) If it's not your thing, don't read it. I'm warning you now for your own good.

This fic is titled after the song It Only Hurts by Default. There's a link to the song on my profile page for anyone who wants to hear it.

_Disclaimer: I don't own Rose or any of the characters from Vampire Academy. They belong to Richelle Mead._

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- It Only Hurts -

I knocked softly on his door. I didn't expect him to be awake. It was a late Sunday night – by academy standards, so I didn't even think he _would_ be awake. But I just wanted to be near somebody that I knew liked me. And I know he liked me. He was one of the only people I could trust these days.

Everything with Dimitri was so fucked up. Lissa was everywhere but with me, it seemed like. I felt so alone. I was always alone. I mostly didn't know what to do with myself. I wished Lissa could spare some of her time for me. But that sort of thinking just made me jealous of Christian. And wishing something between me and Dimitri was just asking for all sorts of trouble. Not that things weren't already complicated as it was. And worst of all, I'd never really forgiven myself for Mason's death. If it wasn't the guy I liked ignoring me throughout the day, it was my best friend never having any time for me. And if it wasn't that, it was remembering Mason's face as he died.

I just needed somebody to talk to.

I was standing outside of his room, my arms wrapped around myself. It was sort of drafty on this side of the dorm. I saw a light switch on from the inside. The door opened a crack and I could see a portion of his face in the dim light from the hall. "Rose?" Eddie whispered. "What are you doing?"

"Let me in… please," I begged. I was standing outside of his door in just my pajamas, barefoot even. I'd get into trouble if one of the monitors saw me outside of my room since it was way after curfew. I'd be in even more trouble if I was found up here on the boys' floor so late at night. It would obviously look like something else, even though it wasn't. He opened the door wider and stepped off to the side so that I could enter.

He didn't have a roommate. Seniors mostly had their own rooms. It was called having seniority over the underclassmen. And it was a right blessing.

It was much warmer in here than it was back out in the hallway. His bed was rumpled with the blankets pulled back on one side, and he'd switched on his bedside lamp, I'd noticed. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt and some pretty cute boxer shorts. He must have been sleeping. "Did I wake you?" I asked him, taking a seat on his bed.

"No," he simply said. "I couldn't sleep."

I bit my lip. I couldn't sleep some nights, like tonight, so I knew how that felt. I hated how it felt to be so tired but unable to let sleep take me. Sleep eluded me a number of nights these days. Sometimes it was because Lissa and Christian were getting it on in the church attic. But most times, it was because I had so much in my head. My life was so messed up.

Late at night was when Mason haunted me. Not his ghost, but the thought of him I mean. It hurt to think that I might have been able to do more to save him… how I'd gotten him in the situation to begin with. I couldn't forgive myself for everything that happened. And it hurt to see Eddie sometimes. He'd changed so much in the past few weeks since Spokane. He was still friendly and he could still laugh, which I guessed was a good thing. But there was no mistaking the darkness around him now. It sort of mirrored the darkness in me. And I hated how he'd changed. He was always so lighthearted before. He didn't take things seriously. I guess he never needed to.

That change in him was my fault too.

He sat beside me on the edge of his bed, the mattress dipping under his weight. I leaned back onto my elbows, letting out a sigh. "I'm sorry Eddie," I said. "I know it's late. It's just… I didn't want to be alone tonight."

"It's fine," he said, and I could see the small smile on his face. He was always so nice to me. He was comfortable, and I liked how it was so easy to be around him. He wouldn't ask me difficult questions or try to pry into my personal issues. Eddie was such a good guy.

Mason had been a good guy too, and I suppose that was why he and Eddie had been such close friends. I know Eddie missed him. I missed Mason too. I missed his smile. I missed his jokes. I even missed how he looked at me and flirted with me. I wondered if things had been different, would I have been able to love him. If I hadn't been so involved with Dimitri. If I'd just given him a real chance. If I hadn't wanted to hurt Dimitri that night… Mason might still be alive now.

I closed my eyes, tipping my head back. And even though I couldn't see him, I could still feel him next to me. I felt his eyes watching me, undoubtedly filled with curiosity. He was probably wondering what in the hell I was doing here so late at night. Probably wondering why I'd chosen him over my best friend.

Truthfully, he was the only person I could feel normal around.

So it startled me when I felt him lean towards me, felt him brush against my shoulder. I looked up at him with surprise in my eyes. He'd pushed up the strap of my tank top that had slipped down my arm.

"Sorry…" he mumbled, immediately allowing me my personal space. A passing look of something much like embarrassment crossed his features.

"It's okay," I said, sitting up, inadvertently touching my shoulder where his skin had brushed mine. I felt goosebumps rise on my skin. I don't think Eddie had ever intentionally touched me before, other than when I periodically tugged him into hugs or slapped him the occasional high-five.

Somehow, in that brief brush of his fingertips on my skin, I didn't feel so alone.

I sat there looking at him. He was staring into his lap, and I wondered what was with that look in his eye. He looked a lot less like a man right now, and more like a troubled little boy. It hurt to see him this way and not be able to do anything about it.

"You miss him," I said softly, recognizing that same sadness I could feel in myself. Only his was a different kind of sadness. Where mine was a guilty sadness, a self deploring sadness, his was not. It didn't take a genius to figure it out. I knew what Eddie's damage was. I just couldn't fix it. Nobody could. Nothing I said could take away any of the pain. We'd been recited the same shit over and over again by just about every person at the academy.

_There was nothing you could have done._

_It was his choice_.

_You can't blame yourself._

Even if the truth of the matter was that there was nothing else I could have done, and despite the fact that Mason chose to go to Spokane, I _could_ still blame myself. I still _did_. It was agonizing, that every day I lived was another day that Mason didn't. It broke my heart that he'd been killed, and he was barely a man when he'd been taken. And no matter what, I would still be the one that had sparked the turn of events that had taken him from me. And from Eddie.

"It was my fault," I whispered. Eddie looked at me suddenly.

"Why do you say that?" he asked, actual shock in his voice and in his eyes.

"Because…," I started uneasily. "_I_ told him about Spokane." I could already feel the sting at the back of my eyes.

Eddie flinched just hearing the name of the place where our lives had been changed. He closed his eyes. I started to reach out a hand to him, intending to take his hand in mine. And then I suddenly thought that he might recoil from me. And really, I felt it was what I deserved. How could he forgive me for what I'd done? I couldn't even forgive myself. But when he didn't withdraw away from me, I felt a sense of relief flush through me. This comfort, this closeness to him really helped my heart, I realized. It was somebody else's warmth. It was like I was absorbing something from him. I couldn't explain it. It was nice being so close to somebody, when I'd been feeling so isolated from everybody. He squeezed my hand tightly, and I squeezed back. Maybe he needed this comfort too.

He tugged me closer, and I yielded into him. He held me tight and it was the most comforting hug I'd ever had in my life. Maybe it was because I was starved of attention, and just this little bit was restorative to my attention whore tendencies. But it felt so, so nice being held by somebody that actually felt genuine affection for me. I wanted more of that.

"I don't blame you," he whispered, his voice rough. He rested his cheek against the top of my head. I held him just a little bit tighter. Hearing that note of sadness in his broken voice really shattered my resolve, and I felt something in my throat choking me. My eyes stung.

I wanted to confide in him. I wanted to tell him all of my troubles, just for the sake of telling _somebody_! There was so much in my heart and in my head, and every day it was getting harder and harder to keep it all inside. I was struggling to keep myself together these days, struggling to keep all of my pieces from falling apart. Whatever glue it was that held me together was growing weaker each day, and nobody seemed to notice. Or care. I wished I could tell Dimitri how much of a living hell he was putting me through some days. And other days, I wished that he would just throw me up against a wall and kiss me until we both couldn't _breathe_. I wished that Lissa and I could spend more time with each other. I wished I didn't get so jealous over Christian. I wished that I could stop blaming myself for what happened to Mason.

I wished that this darkness in me would just _go away_.

I clung to Eddie, feeling so vulnerable. The tears leaked out of my eyes and my whole body was shaking. He reclined against the headboard of his bed and just held me. His warmth was so soothing. It chipped away at some of the loneliness that had twisted itself around me.

He rubbed his hands up and down my arms, and I realized then that I felt cold, despite how warm his skin and his room and his bed were. I wiped at my eyes, feeling guilty and stupid. This was probably the weirdest thing I could have ever done to Eddie. But he never let on that he minded. He hadn't been giving me too weird looks since I'd knocked on his door. Just emitted honest surprise at my presence. I didn't exactly believe he'd go around tomorrow at school telling everybody that I'd cried in his room last night.

I knew I could be weak sometimes. Wasn't I allowed to be weak sometimes?

My fingers gripped at his shirt, unprepared and unwilling to let this comfort go so quickly. It was sort of like, if my heart wasn't repaired right at this moment, I might never be able to get better.

I sought his lips then, I didn't know why. Eddie never held much of an attraction for me. Sure, he was cute, and he was my friend, definitely. But he felt more like a brother. Which was why this was so confusing and different. His lips gently caressed mine, and I can remember wondering, when had it been that Eddie had learned to kiss girls. He wasn't too bad at it.

His lips were soft, softer than they let on. And he tasted faintly of toothpaste. There was no spark between us. This kiss didn't drip with desire, neither did it hold any amount of feral love. This wasn't anything like the spell that had entranced Dimitri and me. That had been lust in its most unadulterated form. This wasn't even like kissing Mason or any of the other boys I'd teased. That had always been kissing for the sake of kissing.

This was something else entirely.

This was being close to somebody. This was needing to feel the warmth of another body in your arms. This was about survival and had nothing to do with love. It wasn't even friendship. It was about staying sane. It was about hurting and healing. Recovering.

I pulled away slowly, watching his eyes uncertainly. My fingertips brushed against the hairs on the nape of his neck, because somehow, my arms had wound themselves over his shoulders. He rubbed away at the wetness on my cheek with his thumb. I could feel his breath on my skin.

It was illogical, and we both knew it. But I needed him. And I could feel that he needed me too. If nothing else, I understood that much about Eddie. He was as lonely as me. And having a warm body to hold, even just for one night, proved to be something we each couldn't ignore. Neither did we want to.

It was this loneliness that ate us up inside. It just felt like everything inside of me was disintegrating into nothing. It was like acid. Soon there would be nothing left of me, having corroded away my heart. My soul. Unless there was something I could do to stop it from consuming me.

And that was why I didn't try to hold back anymore. He looked at me like I might be able to save him from sinking into his own personal hell, much like I hoped he would be able to save me from destroying myself. That he'd find me right on the edge and be able to pull me back, saving me from falling off. The look in his eyes told me he held no apprehension. His eyes told me that we could still be friends after this. That we could share this one small thing. That we could go into this together and come out the other end in one piece. Even if it would be fleeting and unsatisfying. Even if there was no love between us.

Even if it would hurt.

I closed my eyes and let my lips embrace his again, his hand grasping my shoulder gently. I sighed into him, feeling another tear roll down my cheek. I'm sure if we didn't have so many issues these days, I might have been able to consider him more than a friend. If I wasn't in love with someone else, kissing Eddie might have been cause for me to rethink my perception of him. But as it was, I _was_ in love with somebody already, and Eddie was still only my good friend. Probably one of my better ones. And even though he knew I didn't love him in this way, I continued to let myself kiss him. I never planned to stop. Because despite how wrong this might seem to anyone else, I knew exactly what I wanted. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to be selfish. I liked kissing him, and I wanted to keep on kissing him.

I felt his awkward hands try to hold my frame delicately. He was a bit clumsy and nervous and I wanted to tell him that he didn't need to be. Not with me. I wouldn't judge him. I found myself wondering if he'd ever thought about me in this way, fantasized about me. I wanted to know if he'd ever had a crush on me. Maybe he'd always secretly wanted to see me naked. Or maybe it wasn't such a secret. I could remember my first day back on campus, could remember that sly comment he'd made in class. _It's_always _a good time to think about you naked_.

I doubted that he ever thought he actually would.

I leaned more into the kiss, my fingers grasping his solid arms. He actually tasted pretty nice. And he was a far better kisser than he let on. In some ways I was glad that it was him. In other ways… I wished he was someone else. His hands weren't as large as Dimitri's. They weren't as calloused either, having not experienced the same amount of years of being a guardian. He had training, but no actual hard experience. His hands were softer, gentler. It reminded me that we were still so new, that we still had things in our lives we needed to experience before we had to give it all up.

He was afraid to touch me even though he wanted to. I pressed into him more, trying to be encouraging, hoping that if I was a little more demanding, he might push his inhibitions out of mind. I tightened my arms around his neck and squeezed his body to mine like a life preserver. I saw him finally loosen up a bit, when his hand slid up the back of my neck, twining his fingers in my hair in much the same way Dimitri would. The hair did wicked things to boys, I concluded. I slipped my hands under his shirt, feeling comfort in the warmth his skin provided. I let my hands drift over his chest, and then I tugged at the hem of his shirt, inspiring him to take it off.

He threw the article somewhere. I didn't see where it landed.

He had a good body. He needed to have a good body to be a guardian. And all of the training had done him wonders. He was lean and yet, still very muscular, his chest broad. He wasn't very big, but he still looked strong. He looked incredible. I never paid much attention to Eddie, but I quickly realized that he had a lot to offer a girl. Not only was he smart, and a good kisser, he was damn good looking. And he was the nicest guy I'd ever known. I hoped that some day he would find a girl that would treat him right. It was the least he deserved.

After taking in the sight of his chest, I leaned back into him, taking his lips in mine again, letting myself just drink him. He tasted so good, and he seemed to like kissing me as much as I liked kissing him. It was like a symbiotic relationship we had going on here. We each got what we needed from each other. And we only had to give up a little bit of ourselves.

I liked the way his skin felt against my lips. I kissed the edge of his mouth, extending my reach out towards his ear. His hands wrapped around my waist, and I felt the urge to explore him further. I let my lips brush over his neck.

I felt how his pulse accelerated all of a sudden, and his muscles tensed. He pressed himself further into the mattress and looked at me, his breath quickening, and I saw something like fear flash through his eyes. I pulled back abruptly at this change in him, shocked by his reaction. But then I rapidly understood just why he'd reacted this way, and it made me want to cry.

He'd been compelled into giving blood back in Spokane. So, naturally he feared people getting too close to his neck. I don't even remember how many times they'd bitten him.

I wished I'd known this before.

I just stared at him, not knowing what to say. I hated seeing that panic in his eyes, even though I knew he couldn't be afraid of _me_. I looked then at his neck, noticing the faint puncture scars in his skin where he'd been bitten. You couldn't even see them unless you looked really hard. He closed his eyes tight, looking every bit as agonized as I felt for him. I felt a tear slip out of my eye, and I didn't know what to do in that moment. I wanted to protect him. I wanted to hold him and make him forget that it had ever happened.

I wanted to leave because it hurt so much to see him like this.

My fingers crept into his, not knowing what else I could do. I kissed him again, so much more significantly than I even thought was possible. He squeezed my fingers tight. I wanted to make sure he felt me. I wanted to make sure he knew it was me. That I would never hurt him. I'd try to make him forget if I could.

"I'm so sorry…" I whispered. I didn't know what I was apologizing for. For scaring him, maybe. Or maybe it was because I still held myself responsible for what had happened to him. He didn't say anything. His eyes looked glassy when he looked back at me. "I'm so, so sorry," I said again.

And then I didn't stop. We'd already been kissing, but now we were _kissing_. I'd never made out like this before. There was so much emotion in this. Different from the times when control escaped Dimitri and me. This was needy. This was survival.

He pulled off my tank top, and I was grateful for feeling his flesh against my flesh. His hands appreciated my skin, running them over my curves, settling his hand in the dip of my waist. I sank into him. He ran his hands over my chest, feeling the delicate curves of my breasts. He couldn't keep his hands, his lips even, off of me. I knew my body was a wonder in this school. But I had no idea just how much apparently.

The rest of our clothes followed soon after, landing somewhere on the floor by his bed. He rolled over on top of me, and I was starting to feel that nervousness creep up on me. I didn't know if it was Eddie's first time. But it was mine. He grasped my leg, tugging it up and nearly around himself. I seized his forearms tightly, preparing myself for what came next. He looked carefully into my eyes as he pushed inside of me.

It only hurt a little. The dull pain faded away quickly once Eddie began a controlled rhythm. He was taking things slowly with me. I closed my eyes, his mouth descending upon mine.

Everything comes back to me when my eyes are open. All of the pain and all the guilt come rushing back at me like a storm. But I don't want to feel it. I want to close my eyes and dream. I want to dream about Dimitri. I want to sink into a world where Mason is still here. Where Lissa and I are inseparable. Where Christian doesn't keep her away from me. I could lie here with Eddie and not feel so shattered. Because lying here with Eddie, I could pretend I'm anywhere. I could pretend that his hands that were caressing my skin were Dimitri's hands. I could pretend that his lips on my neck were Dimitri's lips. That it was Dimitri – not Eddie – filling me, completing me.

I could pretend that it wouldn't hurt when I woke up.

My legs wound around his waist, pulling him into me. My arms twisted up around his neck, holding him against me. My lips were nearly in his hair. I was gasping right into his ear.

His body went taut, and he groaned aloud as he came. His thrusts were erratic. And once he'd finally ridden that high to the end of its wave, Eddie sank against me, boneless.

It was nice, wonderful even, but I didn't get that high like Eddie did. My body didn't feel fulfilled in the way sex was supposed to make you feel fulfilled. But I never suspected that I would. That hadn't been the reason why we did this. It was something about being in his arms, about how he could understand what I was going through. How the pain was like a harsh wind and bits of me were flaking away like chipped paint. He didn't judge me. He'd hold my hand and walk through it with me. Because we were both in the same situation. We both needed somebody to hold onto.

He held me against him, my back to his front, his arms snug around me. I felt his lips by my ear. He was trailing kisses down the side of my neck, even after the fact. And I found this even more wonderful than what we'd just done. I don't think I would have wanted to leave, but he never loosened his grip, so I had an excuse to remain in his arms. He just held me tight and tighter against him.

Then suddenly, he moved my hair out of the way, and I felt his lips whisper over the back of my neck. Then he traced his finger over the two jagged tattoos decorating my skin, causing me to shiver, and I wondered what he could be thinking. I wondered if he was thinking of Mason. Of the two Strigoi he couldn't remember, because he'd been so drugged out of his head and had lost too much blood in those days we'd been held captive. That's what I thought about when I felt his nail draw invisible lines over the inked ones in my skin. I remembered that faraway look on his face, how willingly he gave himself up after being compelled. It was sickening. And I couldn't even imagine how he must have felt about it. It must eat at him still, similar to how my guilt still eats at me. But he kissed and worshipped those tattoos, awarding devotion to them as though they were sacred.

And maybe to him, they were.

He nestled his face in my hair, breathing deeply. I let myself relax, feeling safe and secure and, for once, not alone. I fell asleep in his arms not too much longer after that.

When I woke up again, it was almost four in the afternoon according to Eddie's alarm clock. Everyone would be getting up soon, getting ready for school, and out to breakfast. I didn't want to risk being seen by anybody when I snuck out of Eddie's room, so I figured I should leave as soon as possible. I slinked out of his bed and dressed, as tired as I was. I gave him one last kiss, thinking that I would miss those lips of his, before returning to my own room. He was out, and I hadn't wanted to wake him because he looked peaceful in his sleep. Untroubled by the things that hurt him when he opened his eyes.

I slept a few hours before class in my own bed. I didn't actually get up until after breakfast was over, running out to the gym as soon as I'd thrown on some clothes, even though first period was already about to begin. Dimitri wasn't too pleased that I had missed our morning practice.

When I saw Eddie in class later that morning, I met his eyes briefly. And in that fleeting look, I knew that we shared something strange and special. There was a small smile on his lips and I knew that everything between us was okay. Maybe better than they had been. I smiled back at him, nodding, letting him know that I knew what we had together. I let him know that I loved him in a way that I didn't love anybody else. I loved him, even if I wasn't _in_ love with him. He understood that I didn't regret anything we did last night, and that he would always have this small part of me. I trusted that he would keep it safe.

Because if I needed to fall, I just knew that he was somebody I could let myself hold onto. And if he couldn't pull me back from the edge in time, I knew he wouldn't let me fall alone.

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Reviews are appreciated. ;)


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Okay well I figured I should do this some time before _Blood Promise_ comes out. I know I'm not the only one excited for that book!! Hopefully we'll all have it in just a few days!! Anyway, here's the second part I promised forever ago. Sorry about the long wait.

Also, this chapter contains Lemon!!

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"Oh god… I don't know what to do," I said, my palms smothering my face as I felt hot tears cut rivers through my cheeks.

"Baby, it's alright," he said, kissing me gently on the cheek.

"But I'm so worried about her," I said as I stared up into his crystal blue eyes.

"I know, I know," he repeated over and over again, linking his fingers with mine.

"Christian..."

I felt his name fall off of my lips – or rather, Lissa's lips – and I suddenly knew. I suddenly realized that I'd been pulled into her head again. So much so that parts of me could hardly tell whether I was Lissa or Rose. _Goddammit_.

I noticed quickly that I had no way of getting out at the moment. Her emotions kept pulling me back like a vicious current. Like gravity, I had no way of fighting it.

"She's hurt…" Lissa sniffled. "Rose's heart is broken."

She sounded like a child, her voice so weak. Christian held her hands in his, his features seizing a concerned look for her sake. "What do you mean?"

The half of me that wasn't stuck inside of her was shocked, like cold water had been poured over my head. The other half of me already knew what she was trying to explain to Christian. "She was in love with someone…" she said, her lip trembling. "…Someone that got hurt…" Christian's eyes seemed to light up like the fire he could ignite with a snap of his fingers.

"Who?" he asked, though I could tell from the look on his face that he already understood who Lissa meant.

"Guardian Belikov," she said. They'd discovered the only thing I'd ever hidden from them. "But you have to promise me you won't tell anyone! Not even Eddie!" she exclaimed suddenly, surprising him. He just looked at her, his lips quirking in that way that they do. But his eyes held an expression that told her – me – that he didn't think this was gossip. "Swear that you won't tell," she said again, softer, cupping his cheek in the palm of her hand.

"I swear." Despite our differences, or rather, our similarities, Christian had come to accept me as a friend. As I had him. We might not have gotten along at first, but we couldn't deny that we worked well together. He respected me. He also wouldn't break a promise he'd made to Lissa.

She leaned her head into his chest, fresh tears stinging her eyes. I could feel through the bond that this time, the tears were for me. Like I hadn't already cried enough for the both of us. Christian ran his hand over her back, and she held on tight to his shirt. They were in their usual spot, the chapel attic. Lissa wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

"I don't ever want to lose you," she told him. I felt her feelings pulse through the bond, telling me things I otherwise would never know. Things that I didn't _want _to know. She felt horrible about what happened to Dimitri. She felt horrible that I was hurting and missing him. She felt horrible at the relief she felt over not having lost Christian. That it was better that it had been someone else. Better that it had been Dimitri. "I think I'd die if I lost you," she added. I felt her guilt weave through the bond too.

He tilted her face towards his and met her lips in an arresting kiss. I felt myself grow hot and angry all over, at least, the part of me that was still back in my bed. Angry and hurt all over again.

"You're gonna make yourself sick worrying about that stuff," he said. That was when they stopped talking.

He leaned over her, just kissing her. It was those same kisses that I didn't want to see. That nobody should see. Her arms twisted up around his neck, pulling him even closer to her. Feeling that this was the most important thing in the world. As long as she had Christian, she didn't need to worry about anything.

He slid his hands up her back and underneath her shirt, kissing her deeply. I couldn't help the fury that flashed through me. How could she _do_ this to me? Of course, she didn't know. She still never realized, or else, didn't care. I tried desperately to get back to my own body, fighting with everything I could muster up. Focusing hard on getting out. But Lissa's anguished feelings wouldn't let me. And my anger was too distracting for me to truly focus.

Clothes started coming off, and I knew I had to get out of there quick. He was kissing down her chest, I know, because I was still _feeling_ it. Still experiencing this. But Lissa kept pulling me back in.

Before I knew it, Christian had slipped inside of her, moving his body with hers, her legs locked around his hips. _Fuck_.

It hurt to feel everything. Of course, it hurt to feel how little Lissa cared for Dimitri in comparison to Christian. But I knew she wasn't in love with Dimitri, had never known or cared about him like I did. So I tried my best to understand that. It hurt to feel how much she cared about me. How she'd figured out the only real thing that I'd kept secret from her. I felt how it hurt her too, deep inside, that I never trusted her enough to tell her.

But it hurt _so much_ to feel how she loved Christian, to feel him loving her. It wasn't too long ago that I'd had someone love me this way.

I sat up rigidly in my bed, breathing fast, like I'd just woken up from an awful nightmare. And in many ways, I had.

It was almost exactly like the morning that felt like a lifetime ago. When I snuck out of my dorm and ran into Dimitri while he walked the campus grounds, insuring the academy's safety. Before everything had been turned upside down. Before my heart had been shattered into molecular pieces of wretched heartache. The worst kind of déjà vu. Longing for what could never again be.

I threw myself out of bed like I'd been lying on hot coals, falling onto the hard floor. I held myself in my arms, and once recognition finally crept in through the haze of sleep, I couldn't hold back a sob as it ripped right through me. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling lonely and empty. I so badly wanted someone to hold me right now. I wanted Dimitri. I wanted his arms around me. I wanted to feel him. I rubbed my hands over my eyes trying to clear away the tears.

That was more than impossible now.

Dimitri is gone.

My body shook as I gasped for air, wishing someone could piece my broken heart back together.

-

I ran as fast as I could to Eddie's room. I knocked on his door, not caring how loud I was being. Nobody would care anyway.

It was late, barely even noon. I really doubted he was awake. The regular curfew hours might still be in effect, but there would be no school tomorrow. Not after what had happened.

Guardians. Teachers. Students. So many lives taken by Strigoi. But not _all_ of them had been killed.

I'd sat in a pew at the chapel hours earlier. My fingers were linked together. I didn't know what I was doing there. But something about the place had a certain calming effect. It helped the pain in my heart even if it couldn't make it go away.

"You here for someone?" My thoughts were interrupted. Shane Reyes stood next to me, a somber look in his eyes. He slid into the pew beside me, putting his arm around my shoulder. I didn't really like that.

"Yeah." My tired eyes flicked downward, remembering why I'd come here: to be alone, thinking everybody else had gotten over seeking out God to help them through this disaster. I'd been alone up until that moment, and I'd wanted it that way. I felt myself become irritated when he moved my ponytail out of the way to peek at my _molnija_ marks. I scooted down the pew from him, out of reach.

"Was he your friend?" Shane asked me. He nodded his head in the direction of the table adorned with lit candles, in honor of each life taken in the Strigoi attacks on campus earlier this week. The candles were accompanied by pictures of each victim. My eyes did a quick scan of all of the faces, as I'd done many times before that night and the previous nights I'd come to the chapel. Dimitri's dark eyes stared back at me each time.

My _friend_. Sure. If only it had been that simple. "Something like that." I didn't know if he could hear the ache in my voice. I don't think anybody other than Adrian had ever _realized_…

Dimitri had never been my friend. Well, he might have been at one point. But I think we'd mostly just skipped over being friends and jumped straight into that phase where we were constantly sexually frustrated by each other. And then at some point, our relationship had become more.

Dimitri. He was more than just the man I loved. He was my life. My heart. And he is _gone_. Everybody probably thought he was dead, but I knew the devastating truth. Dimitri is_ un_dead. He'd become Strigoi.

He probably wished he'd died instead.

I had no future now. The only future I wanted was one I could never have. I could _never_ be with Dimitri. I could never hold him in my arms again. I could never kiss him. I'd never hear him laugh, and god, I loved how he laughed.

I'd never hear his voice saying my name.

_Roza_.

My mind wandered back to where I was standing outside of Eddie's door. I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling cold. This time it had nothing to do with the drafty hallway. I knocked again, not quite as loudly.

After a minute, Eddie opened his door. No words were exchanged. I didn't even ask to come in this time. He stepped off to the side, shutting the door gently behind me. I sat on his bed, much like I'd done that one night. It felt like so long ago now.

He sat next to me, taking my hand and holding it delicately in his larger one. It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. Dimitri was gone. But he wasn't really _gone_. I think this hurt more than if he had actually died. I would have eventually been able to move on from that, even though it would have taken a lifetime. But when Mason told me he'd been turned, his soul stolen away from him… it was like _my_ soul had been stolen away.

I'd gone to Dimitri's room earlier in the day. The last time I'd been in there, we'd almost had sex. I remembered the night of the lust spell. It was sort of a blur, but I could still remember how it felt to have no control. How it felt to feel so free.

Upon entering his room, I felt that torture wash over me, like my lungs had collapsed. My heart withered pitifully within my chest. I was surprised I could still feel it pumping at all. I didn't know how much more of this I could take.

It felt like he'd never left. It scared me, how it felt so much like he was still here. Like he'd simply stepped out of the room for a moment, but he would be returning any second. I didn't know if he'd spent a lot of time in his room, but it felt like him. All of his things were still in there. Everything he loved. Everything nobody had been able to pack away since he'd disappeared, except the box by the shelf where his books had been. I slipped inside and sat on his bed, my fingers curling into the blankets. His bed was still rumpled like he'd been sleeping in it, but it was cold. His body had not warmed this bed for almost a week. I'd seen Alberta come around his room. She merely stood there and sighed. I could see it in her eyes. I didn't need a link to her mind to tell me that she missed him.

Reaching into the box, I grabbed one of the Western novels he seemed to always be reading. I could remember when he told me why he loved the Old West. Everybody lived for themselves. Everyone makes their own rules. There's nothing to hold you back from what you want. What you need. Free to make your own decisions.

Just _free_.

I regretted now that we hadn't been able to be so free. If only I hadn't acted like such a child. If only he hadn't been so frigid in the beginning. So perfect and in control. But if there was one thing I loved about Dimitri, it would have been that he was so strong. He always took his job seriously. He hadn't failed in helping me to become a better guardian. A better person. I loved that he was so together. Well… usually. Except when I pushed his buttons and he couldn't help but give in. Because he loved me. He was so perfect. And so _im_perfect. Because I could look through him and see him. How out of control he wanted to be, escaping the stupid system we depend on, living by his own rules. To put on that cowboy hat and free the world of injustice…

There were so many books; a few really battered ones. Those must have been his favorites, I realized. He must have read those, I don't know how many times, for them to be so worn. I'd seen him with them in the gym. It was such a dorky thing to be into. But I loved that he loved reading these cheesy Western novels. I picked up the last one I'd seen him with, thumbing through the pages. Something fell out onto the floor as I leafed through the book. I bent over to pick up whatever it was that he'd been using as a bookmark.

It was a picture of me.

My heart lurched in my chest. He'd kept a picture of me. It was even a recent one. I had to fight to hold back my tears, replacing the bookmark where it had been. Holding the book close to my chest, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I grabbed a couple more of the novels out of the box. I only took the really battered books with me. I just needed something of his, because it made me feel closer to him somehow. I needed something to remind me that he hadn't been a dream.

-

"How are you feeling?" Eddie asked. His voice pulled me out of my thoughts, and I remembered that I was here in Eddie's room, sitting on his bed. He was rubbing his thumb over my wrist. His hand felt so warm against my chilled skin.

"Not so good…" I whispered sadly. My brain hurt. My heart hurt. My eyes hurt. My whole body hurt. He pulled me into his chest and I wrapped my arms around his waist, closing my eyes. I felt safer here with him, just needing to feel strong arms around me. I hated feeling so alone.

"Anything I can do?" he asked. He tightened his arms around me, pulling me down on the bed by his pillow. He squeezed me in snugly beside him, his arms around my back.

"I don't think so…" I said, slipping my hands under his pillow and pulling it closer to my head.

My bare feet tucked into his, seeking his warmth. I heard him gasp at the icy feel of my toes on his skin. "Why are you always so cold?" He asked, a somewhat amused note in his voice. He seemed to be asking himself this question rather than me though. He put his legs over my legs, and rubbed his hands over my arms, trying to warm me. He pulled his blanket around us and held me closer to him. His fingers combed through my hair, and I closed my eyes again.

His fingers brushed against the back of my neck, near where I'd recently gotten my new _molnija_ mark – the little star that meant that I'd been in a battle and had killed a bunch of Strigoi. "It itches," I said softly, willing away the urge to scratch it.

"Yeah. Mine do too," he said, tucking a lock of my hair behind my ear. I'd forgotten that Eddie had received _molnija_ marks as well. He hadn't gotten the star like some of us had, but he received the lightning marks.

"That's right. You took down some Strigoi too." I laced my fingers through his, looking up at him. He gave me a sad smile.

He'd been so willing to fight even though he'd been abducted. He probably would have kept fighting too, if the Guardians hadn't finally pulled him away from the caves. He'd probably also been bitten as well. I hated to think of him so helpless, because he's so strong, so full of life. But life can end so quickly. Oh, didn't I know that. Eddie never told me what happened to him down in the caves, but I supposed he didn't want to talk about it.

I'd wanted to protect him so badly. I felt I owed it to Mason to keep Eddie safe, but I'd failed, just like I'd failed to keep Mason safe. I'd promised Dimitri I wouldn't let anything happen to him, and I'd failed there too.

Why couldn't I protect the people I love?

Eddie pushed me over onto my side, so that my back was facing his front. He swept my hair out of the way and brought his lips to the back of my neck where my lightning marks were, much like he'd done the last time I'd been in here. I barely felt his lips on my skin. And then he started to blow cool air over the irritated star.

"That feels good," I sighed. I shivered.

I was so tired. I wanted to sleep. But I knew I wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight. Not while Lissa and Christian were still together. And not when I close my eyes, I see Dimitri… Dimitri with eyes ringed in red… Dimitri with chalk white skin and fangs…

I shivered again.

When I closed my eyes, I could see him. And my heart hurt, imagining the state he was in now.

I slowly turned around so that Eddie and I were again face to face. My arms wound their way over his shoulders, and I leaned into him and kissed him. He pressed himself against me harder, and I felt his tongue enter past my lips.

I just wanted to forget. I wanted him to help me forget.

But I couldn't help myself from wishing he was Dimitri.

His fingers grasped the hem of my tank top as he kissed me, and I arched my back and raised my arms, pulling away from his lips only long enough for him to tug the thing up and over my head. His arms went around my back, and he pulled me to him. I flinched when I felt his hands press against my side. I'd gotten hit a couple times and thrown around a lot the night of the attacks, and my body was still in the process of recovering. Eddie gave me a look, and I told him that I had gotten a couple of nasty bruises and that he'd just pressed against them. He looked down past my navel to where the ugly yellow bruise was on my hip. Then I rolled myself over slightly so that he could see the one on my back. It was a bit worse than the one on my hip, more blue than purple, and it too was starting to turn yellow.

"Jesus. Does it still hurt?" he asked, pushing me back onto my back, his hand resting in the dip of my waist.

"Not so much anymore."

He made a face like he knew I was lying, and yeah, I was. They still hurt like a bitch. And he gave me this look that I didn't particularly like. Like he felt sorry for me. Like I was some kind of wounded animal. And maybe I was wounded on the inside, but on the outside I wanted to be strong. I pulled him down by the shirt and kissed him again, to distract him. To distract myself. His fingers wove themselves into my hair, his elbows resting by my head. When he pulled back, it was to look in my eyes.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered an inch from my lips, and it sort of took me off guard.

I blinked at him, feeling shocked, and not in a good way. "Don't tell me things like that," I said heavily. I didn't feel anything serious for him. I didn't feel anything for anybody. The last thing I wanted was Eddie falling in love with me. It would only end with him being hurt, and I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to lose any more of the men I cared about. It had happened twice now – gruesomely – and I wasn't sure I could handle it if it happened a third time. Even_ if_ he'd still be alive afterwards.

"No, I don't mean it like that. You're just really beautiful, that's all. Any guy would be lucky to have you."

I had to close my eyes at that.

A guy _did_ have me, but that was all in the past now.

His eyes roved over my body, and I was suddenly glad he'd decided to stop talking. His warm hands felt my skin, cupping my breasts, feeling their weight. He rolled his thumbs over my nipples, making them stand up. He brought his mouth to one, breathing hot, moist air on it before taking it between his lips. He gently squeezed my other breast in his hand. I felt his hot tongue on my skin. I ran my fingers through the short strands of his sandy hair, prepared to forgive him as long as he could make me forget for a while. Quickly discarding the rest of our clothing, I fell into him.

If I closed my eyes, I could almost pretend that he was Dimitri. That we'd never left the cabin that night. That we were there now. Every touch, every brush of his fingers undid me. His arms holding me as we moved together…

Dimitri's hand cupped my neck, bringing my lips up to meet his. He held me so tight against him that it was almost difficult to breathe. I wrapped my arms around his neck, tasting his mouth, my tongue wrestling with his.

He entered me slowly, always taking things slow. I let him guide me like he usually does. I trusted him. Following his lead was so easy, it was what came natural. And I'd been following his lead for months now. He always knew what to do. He was so experienced in everything. I always felt safe with Dimitri.

He pulled my leg up around him, and I locked my ankles around his waist. His lips were on my neck, but I wanted them against my lips.

I rolled us over, taking him off guard. He probably hadn't expected me to be so strong, and I flipped us so that he was beneath me now. I could imagine the surprised, exhilarated look on his face, and I felt a smirk growing on my lips. I rose and fell against him, feeling him nearly slip out of me every time I lifted my hips, only to take him in again. My hair fell over his chest, and his large hands came to rest low on my hips.

I rocked back and forth on top of him. Every time I came down on his length he made a small sound at the back of his throat that I wasn't sure he even realized he was making. It was so sexy, and I wanted to make him make more sounds like that. I leaned forward, laying my hands over his chest, and I brought my lips to his neck. I barely left a wet kiss there before his strong hands gripped my wrists tightly, pushing me away gently, yet firmly, only so far as I could go when we were still joined together. He kissed the knuckles of my hand and then twined his fingers in mine.

He rolled us over, pressing me into the bedding. My eyes were still closed, enjoying the feel of him surrounding me. He held me so close to him, we were practically one being.

I clawed at his back and screamed when I finally came.

I'd screamed his name.

My eyes shot open, as if I'd broken a spell. I hadn't said his name aloud in almost a week.

It was Eddie's hazel eyes that stared back at me, not the bottomless brown I'd seen in my head all this time.

I felt my heart break a little more than I thought was possible. None of it had been real. Everything I just felt. That had all been Eddie. This last week really happened then. It wasn't Dimitri I felt inside of me. It was Eddie. It wasn't Dimitri that I'd just made love to. It was Eddie.

It couldn't be Dimitri, because Dimitri is _gone_.

I felt the tears well up in my eyes and I couldn't hold them back. I couldn't even try. Everything that I'd been struggling to hide came pouring out, and it was like trying to block a tidal wave with your hands. I sobbed loudly. Eddie pulled me into his arms, and I clung to him tightly, my nails digging into his skin so hard it had to have hurt. He held me as I cried.

He smoothed his hand over my hair, trying to shush my hysterical weeping. My body hurt so much. It was like a part of me was missing. Dimitri was missing from me and I would never be whole again.

I couldn't breathe. I wanted this pain to go away. I wanted it to disappear. I found myself wishing that I'd never known Dimitri. That I'd never met him. Never fallen in love with him. Because if I'd never known him, never loved him, I would never have had to feel this way…

But if I'd never loved him, I would never have known how _complete_ I could be. And as much as it hurt, as much as I couldn't stand to be without him, I knew in my heart that it was better that I had loved him. Because he'd loved me too.

But it hurt _so much_.

"You loved Dimitri," Eddie finally said after a while, after my crying had calmed down to quiet sobs. It hadn't been a question. And I didn't answer back. Finally, somebody understood. And he didn't judge. He held me tighter. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I never knew." He tucked a damp lock of my hair behind my ear. "I can't even imagine… I'm so sorry." I felt his lips in my hair, and I shut my eyes tighter.

I fell asleep at some point, taking what comfort I could in being in Eddie's arms. When I woke up, it was almost nightfall. I slipped out of the bed, reminiscent of that night so long ago. But this time, he was awake. I didn't say anything, and he didn't say anything. After getting dressed, I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek before making my way back to my own room, and curling up in my bed. I pulled Dimitri's coat around me. I couldn't help the tears that slipped out of my eyes.

It still smelled like him.

* * *

A/N: Well, that's the end of that angsty fic. Maybe next time it'll be a happier ending.


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